Originally posted to Facebook on 4/22/2016 at 12:26am:
In the past week, moreso than ever before in my life, I feel like I've tried to articulate to people these exact thoughts in what I'm about to say and in this article I'm sharing...
What Does Aspergers Feel Like?
... What it's like to live inside my head and use my brain and feel what I feel and just how different or far it is from "normal".. and how this recent emphasis on it, increased awareness of it, and justification for it have made me so anxious I'm about to explode. This has been a constant struggle every day of my life.. this fight for understanding and acceptance of my right to exist as a person the way I am.
Hi, my name is Niki. I'm weird, quirky, and different. I'm very intense and highly intelligent and can become a subject matter expert on anything in a few hours. I have a massive aversion to touching foam and hate spaghetti because of their displeasing textures. The mere thought of them makes me start cringing. I'm actually cringing right now.
I turn the radio down whenever I use the drive through ATM.. Not because anyone is there out of politeness like drive-thrus for food.. But because I can't have interruptions while I focus on pressing the important buttons. I'm afraid the machine won't give me my card back if I press the wrong ones. Please don't talk to me while I'm doing this. I need to focus.
I also have never used and refuse to use a regular lawnmower because my dad told me it would cut off my feet and I've believed it ever since. I don't care that other people mow lawns and still have feet. I've tried to rationalize the use of one several times and I just can't do it. Your experience may not be the same as mine. I need my feet.
People think I'm very talkative because they don't recognize that it's artificial and chemically induced. I'm actually naturally quiet and prefer to be left alone at least 65% of the time. A large part of that can probably be attributed to the fact that it's exhausting trying to justify myself to other people so much. I only normally talk a lot when I'm really interested in something, very excited, or extremely upset. In those moments, I really don't care what you want to talk about. I can try. But I can't get there... Not until I've beaten my subject of interest to death with words.. and even then, good luck to you.
I can play games on my phone for hours. I do not want to talk while I'm doing this. I'm trying to become the Bobby Fischer of Dominos right now and set a Guinness World Record. Your attempts to engage me in chit chat purely for the sake of your need to not sit in silence are impeding my progress. Until my goal has been achieved, I'm sorry.. I am unable to people with you.. even after that.. Good luck to you.
I have a spot... Everywhere I go or live or exist regularly, I have a spot. I don't care where you sit. I only care where I sit and it must be in my spot. When I'm in my spot, I can focus on you and whatever you want or need. When you're in my spot, all I can focus on is how much I want you to move. Until I can reclaim my spot, I feel uncomfortable and out of place both physically and mentally. If you also have a spot then I will respect your need to occupy it... Unless it's my spot, then I'm sorry.. You will need to find a new one.
I have a hard time with family, friends, and dating because it's difficult for me to successfully deal with people all the time regardless of how much I care about them. I'm also having problems at work. I had problems at school. I have problems at the grocery store. I have problems correctly descending a flight of stairs. Problems.
I had to get professional help to learn what "happy" and "sad" are, what my version of that is, and that it's OK to be that way in the moment. Normal human emotions are not natural for me to process the usual way it is my understanding that people do without the added layer of conscious recognition. They are a reference point to a facial expression and stimulated response I've learned to recognize in others and associate to whatever closely resembles that in myself.
I feel people who don't have this problem take simple things for granted.. which makes it harder for them to wrap their brains around me. For as much as I wish normal people could spend a day rolling around in my shoes to better understand me, I wish I could just borrow that ability to feel naturally without thinking about it from a normal person for an hour so I could better understand them.
I started the process today for formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome because John Elder Robison on NPR made me realize that I don't really understand what it's like to feel genuine empathy for another human being. Until today it never bothered me quite this much. The entire concept of empathy sounds awful and seems totally useless.. and people always seem to want to hug you when they're empathizing with you. I guess I want to know what it's like to want the hug without making the uncomfortable face I always do that I don't mean to make.
As scared and anxious as I am about this process, I'm doing my best to focus on how much hope I now have for my future that maybe once I go through with this and start getting treated for it then maybe everything won't feel so exhausting and daunting all the time with all this hugging and whatnot. You may never know what it's like to be in my brain.. But it's possible I may finally be able to borrow your shoes.. No matter what though, you still can't sit in my spot.
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