Originally posted to Facebook on 4/24/2016 at 12:09am:
Until today I never realized how much of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde existence I'm truly living in. For anyone who doesn't already know this, Niki Slik doesn't fucking exist. She's not a real person. She's the Hyde to my Jekyll who manifests when fueled by a combination of alcohol and amphetamines.
She's the social fuck you version of me who really doesn't give a shit. She says the things I'm normally too embarrassed to say. She does the things I wish I didn't do. She bangs through life like a phenomenal bull in a very shitty China shop. She even eats the things I don't want to eat... and all of these things are what Niki Milbourne pays the price for later.
Niki Slik is probably the reason many of you "know" me. She's the reason that this body or vessel communicates to people of its own accord at all. Lemmetellyasomething, if I don't call or have never called you on a random Saturday morning or any other random day because I just needed to, then you probably don't know me because you've never witnessed that moment when Niki Milbourne starts to cease to exist and Niki Slik takes over.
Niki Slik doesn't have priorities. Niki Slik drinks too much. Niki Slik is selfish. Niki Slik goes by the Waka Flocka mantra. Niki Slik really doesn't want to know about your personal life or anything that matters to you. Niki Slik doesn't really give a shit about you.. Well, she does.. But not like you want her to.. apparently based on what I heard tonight anyway. Niki Slik probably needs to die a horrible death. Niki Slik can eat a dick.. Actually, she likes that.. But that's not enough to keep her around.
Niki Slik was created 16 years ago to serve a purpose.. So for exactly half my life now she has been serving said purpose. In my awakening, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's time to let her go. But I'm terrified of killing her off. It's a scary thought. I love her. But I also want to shank the bitch.
The thought of killing her makes me feel like I'm letting a huge piece of myself fall away and the part she breaks off from will just be exposed and vulnerable with no protection. I've lived with her for so long I honestly don't know what to do without her.. But I'm starting to learn that one of us has to win this fight. I just don't know who's going to be the victor.
I guess the question is.. Is who I genuinely am good or acceptable enough or can you not live without her?
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