Originally posted to Facebook on 5/10/2016 At 10:50pm:
My new autism case worker I got today from my health insurance company sent me a bunch of stuff including this link to Wrong Planet. This website is pretty awesome and she told me she doesn't usually send it to people but thought it might help me. She was right. I love reading all these things from people with high functioning Asperger's because I feel like I finally found other people from my planet who speak the same language I do that no one else seemed to understand until recently.
I have so many favorite parts of this essay A Mask for the World but the closing made me cry. This line is the best. "This mask I made in high school, which I can’t seem to take off, is made of self doubt and self loathing, issues I didn’t always have, but I’m working on. Sometimes, it’s our job to learn how the world works. Other times, it’s your job to learn how we work."
I get this because it's actually when my mask was locked on. By my Sophomore year of high school after I was put on ADHD medication, I got much better at socializing and pretending to be "normal"... even though inside I was far from it. The self doubt and the self loathing combined with the anxiety sucks so badly it hurts.
Finally coming out of the proverbial closet and trying to remove this mask and shed my "normal suit" has opened the door to mixed reactions of people who just completely dismiss it because they don't believe me.. and those people can fuck off... and then other people who are being really supportive and trying to understand by asking questions... and hugging me.. a lot.. for which despite all my cringing and faces I make I'm actually extremely grateful.
I learned a new feeling today. "Ambivalence".. It means having multiple simultaneous conflicting emotions. I like this feeling because it fits and I can finally easily recognize something that I typically used to just refer to as a "jumble". I would actually say I am generally feeling ambivalent... especially lately.. I'm happy, hopeful, optimistic, scared, nervous, and almost always have an overarching anxiety that dims everything else with its shadow of crap.
Most of the time it just looks outwardly like I'm angry or confused.. which is probably true. I'm angry with myself for not being able to just have one pure feeling. I'm confused because I'm not sure how my face is supposed to look. To me, it sounds like I'm probably displaying the appropriate face for my ambivalence. I just don't want to explain that to you because you'll want me to tell you why and then you'll try to hug me again.
My little brother did me a solid and took care of Felicity today when she wasn't feeling well and got chicken out to thaw.. and then I came home to a surprise of the dishes being washed without me even having to ask. I read something today that explained the difference between joy and happiness. The feeling of joy is marked by an uncontrollable facial expression we commonly refer to as a smile. Happiness can have many different expressions so fuck that. I haven't mastered it yet. But when the corners of my mouth curled up and I realized I was smiling, I knew I was feeling joyful and told him.. "Look Ian! Joy!"
He then asked me about my feelings today because he didn't really understand before what I meant by not experiencing them normally until we had a talk with our mom on Sunday. It sounds odd to people who experience emotions instinctively and just know what they are without anyone having to tell them. It's hard explaining that having feelings is extremely exhausting because so much goes into what seems like such a simple process.
I like the questions though.. most of the time. Sometimes I really do need to let my brain rest and have my solitude breaks. But at least now people are making an effort to get it and figure out how I work and giving me a bit more of a chance to explain it as best I can. I've spent 32 years how to figure out how you all work. It's kind of nice to take a little break for once.
I also never realized how fucked up everyone else is and how much they struggle with other things. It's refreshing. For as mean as that sounds, I mean it in the best of ways. Maybe we all need to take off our masks and our normal suits and start asking more questions. The world might actually be better for it.
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