I've never really discussed what I really think day-to-day about anything quite this much ever before. There are certain things I'll share which have been sanitized after passing "The Normal Test". But 85% of my daily thoughts are things I keep to myself because I really don't think anyone would appreciate them and I would probably get locked away in an asylum forever, or at the very least, be hated by everyone.
This is one of those things I would definitely keep to myself when I'm wearing the normal suit and trying to be appropriate because I don't think the average person is really concerned with my aversions. The reality of the situation is... and this is something deeply profound I've come to realize... Most people neurotypical people who are able to feel instinctively empathetic don't really give a shit about what bothers you in a real way, especially if the thing that bothers you seems benign to them.
Sunday afternoon, I attended my friend Abby's baby shower. After most of the guests had left, I was telling her about my upcoming diagnostic assessment test and whatnot. I also mentioned the fact that the doctor wanted me to mail things back to her and my postal aversion and how I was debating on whether or not to tell the doctor about it. I was afraid it would be inappropriate and also that she might think I was trying to seem too Aspie. But the reality is, you can't really fake this and the fact that this really is an issue for me at all is still a problem.
She and a couple other friends there said I should tell her... So I did. Here is the email I sent yesterday...
Sent 5/26/2016 at 11:04am:
Good Morning Dr. B,
In the spirit of full disclosure for the sake of making any kind of personal progress, I feel the need to explain that I have a significant aversion to snail mailing... which obviously presents a problem for me to mail the forms back. The whole process of mailing anything is overwhelming to me and makes me anxious because I have an uncertainty and lack of confidence in the postal system itself.
I don't like that they no longer put the cent amounts on stamps. I have stamps that I bought the last time I was forced to mail something are worth but no clue what they're worth, nor what the current postage rate is now, and the amount of postage would obviously change for the envelope weight. I really think this is where the aversion stems from because when the values were still on the stamps I was not as apprehensive about mailing things.
I'm also concerned the envelope could get lost or go to the wrong address and then I'd have to repeat the process all over again while worrying about where the lost envelope went forever. I know they have the tracking but I don't necessarily trust that either because it doesn't always work. I've had issues with this before.
If it helps to further clarify the significance of this aversion, I have a stack of Hallmark cards that I've bought with intentions to mail which has been growing for the better part of a decade. I still have a thank you card for my Godmother Juji for the gift she and my Godfather gave me for my college graduation like 6 years ago. She passed away 2 years ago and I still feel terrible for never sending it. I also have a "thinking of you" card for my Godfather Unk. He will probably die before I ever send it.
I also have several Father's Day, thinking of you, and birthday cards for my Grampa that I never sent and he passed away about 3 years ago now. I read them to him over the phone while he was on his deathbed in a nursing home down in Florida and apologized for being a terrible granddaughter. He used to send the most beautiful handwritten cards and notes to me all the time until his hands got too shaky from the Parkinson's. This is probably the biggest reason I feel ashamed of my postal aversion. But, even that wasn't enough to get me over it.
Whenever things need to be mailed, I have generally convinced someone to handle it for me like my mom, younger brother, or boyfriend when I had one. Any time I've had to do it myself, I've basically spent a ridiculous amount of time being extremely anxious over such a small, somewhat routine task/activity and had to find someone to hold my hand in essence and cheer lead me through the snail mail process.
Under typical circumstances, I would just suffer in silence because it would be inappropriate to explain that to people I don't know as this is not what "normal" people do. But a couple people in my support system encouraged me to let you know about this because you obviously can't help me with it if you're not aware. I'm really not sure if this is a symptom of HFA or not. Regardless, I recognize that not being able to mail an envelope without having an anxiety attack over it is not "normal" behavior.
In the meantime, if you need the originals for sure then your office is also not far from my work so I could come drop the forms off in person if that is OK. If not, I can use the color scanner. For real, it's so clear you almost can't even tell the difference between the originals and the copy. If there is a significant reason why snail mailing the forms is absolutely necessary though, then please let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Please let me know what you think is best. Also, apologies for novel. I've been trying to document these kinds of things to give you a better idea of my issues and examples of behavior as I think of them. I greatly appreciate your understanding and assistance.
Thanks,
NM
So it's there now.. Out in the world.. That fucking typo in there that I missed will haunt me forever.
And 24 hours later, I have still not yet received a response. The anxiety umbrella is open and I'm not OK because I don't know how this lady is taking my novel I've sent and I'm heavily anticipating her response. Will she understand? I don't know. Will she allow me to return these things to her in a way which is more conducive? I don't know. Will she think I'm faking this or trying to be too autistic? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know... I DO NOT KNOW.
What I do know is, the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy-er.. than I already feel I am. My blood pressure is probably through the roof right now. I may have a stroke if I don't hear back from this lady today. Why has she not responded back yet? Does she not realize that I'm probably freaking out right now? I figured she would be receptive to this because she probably deals with other people who have similar problems all the time. Does she make them freak out too?
Response time is crucial to me when I've put out a very large thought balloon that I'm uncomfortable with blowing up and releasing the string on. It's dangerous territory because I can't predict other people's reactions very easily. I don't even necessarily care whether other people have a good or bad reaction. I just want to know that my thought balloon string has been caught and the message inside has been received in the way in which I intended.
I have a designated protocol for just about everything. I'm extremely protocol oriented because it minimizes the level of chaos which could potentially ensue. When said protocols are followed, then it's easier to predict the optimum outcomes which will likely result. If protocols aren't followed then the whole world will fall apart and come crashing down. It's really that serious and that important.
If you're a neurotypical person, then you just know things instinctively. No one had to really teach you. You just know. If things you are used to are changed in some way then you're able to just pick up on it and roll with the changes. It's not a big deal to you. It doesn't affect you deeply or profoundly. You just go about your life doing simple, routine things which are asked of you with little thought or worry. That is not how it is at all for people who aren't neurotypical.
People who are non-neurotypical basically feel like the neurotypical people all got together and had a meeting one day to decide what was "normal" and we missed it... either because you didn't invite us because you're assholes.. or because we were in our own worlds and forgot it was happening that day. Regardless, we're being penalized every day for missing that fucking meeting because you think we're just supposed to know these things. We don't. We really don't. We're not fucking with you. This isn't an elaborate game we're playing. It's a fact and a hardcore reality.
Since we missed your normal people meeting, we are at a disadvantage. We have to make a point to learn how to do all those things others do instinctively so we can pretend to be "normal" because being ourselves as we truly are is considered unacceptable and wrong... which is something that I'm guessing was decided in that meeting we missed.
When the normal functioning brains were being handed out, we got the beta testing glitchy ones that weren't quite ready yet. They're more advanced and have some really awesome features like higher intelligence, faster information processing, larger capacity for information retention, more creativity, psychic abilities, etc.. But to make room for that, we had to dump some useless things like feeling your feelings and understanding your facial expressions and reading your social cues. Our beta brains are capable of learning these things. They just obviously have some bugs that still need to be worked out.
Here is a list of Famous People with Asperger's Syndrome or people suspected of having high functioning autism to check out. Notable people include: Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Alexander Graham Bell, Bill Gates, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Warhol, Robin Williams, Bob Dylan, Jim Henson, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Isaac Newton, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf.. Fucking Nietzche is on the list. Basically, the majority of the most brilliant minds that exist and have ever existed on this planet have or had high functioning autism.
For real, fuck having a neurotypical brain. I know I'm capable of doing just about anything I want. Let me give you a list of the things I'm working on right now.. 2 blogs, 6 science fiction novels, a series of short stories about a woman with sex addiction, an applied physics theory that will allow both intergalactic travel and time travel, 20 songs, 8 million poems, a screenplay for a movie, a DIY home makeover of my entire townhouse, and a plan for global domination.
If I could just manage to stick to working on one thing long enough to finish it and then move onto the next and finish that until everything I've started already is done so I can move onto new things then I would be on the above list. This is a massive reason for seeking this HFA diagnosis and treatment. Every project is a special interest and I go through phases of special interests. I get sidetracked and bored and they cease to be special until I get interested in them again enough to work on them... or not.
I need to learn how to pretend to be normal in a less exhausting way or just find acceptance with being myself and have an officially documented excuse for it. Either way, this will free me up to finish my books, stories, poems, and songs, update my blogs regularly without getting sidetracked, make my whole townhouse look super awesome and beautiful, finally travel through space and time, win Nobel prizes, and take over the world.
In the meantime...
The way we pretend to be "normal" is by establishing protocols for everything.. And I mean EVERYTHING.. This includes, but is nowhere near limited to: How the clothes will be washed and dried, how the dishwasher will be loaded, the order in which bills will be paid, what to do if the car needs gas, what to do if the house is on fire, how to select the place in an area or room where we will sit, how to care for our pets, and especially what to do in all types of situations for successful human interaction (which is probably the most exhausting).
If you know someone who is non-neurotypical (and you probably do), then you know they have a certain way they go about things and they are extremely particular about it. Some people are just picky and particular about shit because they're controlling. Non-neurotypical people are particular because we have to be. We're not trying to control you. We're trying to control ourselves because we're trying to make sure we're doing what we've learned correctly.
This means if you're doing something for or with us that has an established protocol, then you need to do it correctly too exactly the way we have learned and decided is most appropriate or conducive. If you don't then you won't achieve our same ideal result and this will cause rampant chaos in our worlds and fuck us up. Then we'll have to do it over and fix it without you from henceforth because you have proven that you don't know what you're doing nor care about learning how to do things the way we think is supposed to be "normal" for us.
That's what pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Non-neurotypical people, including myself, who are high functioning enough to know how abnormal we are, spend an exorbitant amount of time learning how to do things the way neurotypical people do in the ways they think is best that they decided in that meeting we missed.
I actually practice recognizing other people's facial expressions, displaying my own appropriate facial expressions, following my scripts to display concern and caring for others, appropriately responding when someone solicits a response from me, and trying not to judge others outwardly or say inappropriate or mean things which might upset them.. even though they may have bored me and annoyed me with their pointless stories I care nothing about because I don't feel like talking right now. But why don't neurotypical people spend any time doing the same for us?
I don't need you to hug me when I'm upset. That's what you need when you're upset. What I need you to do is load the dishwasher correctly while I vent about other people who broke protocol. Since you, normal person who is so deeply empathetic, can instinctively feel my feelings then you should feel my anxiety when my protocols aren't observed and feel when I'm upset because my world is now in chaotic disarray.
You should pretend to give a fuck about the fact that you've upset me because you didn't care enough about my happiness to meet my needs the way I've asked they be met. If you know that I have a massive anxiety disorder and that I have high blood pressure then why would you further me along towards having a stroke at 32? I'm not actively doing things that will kill you by being an asshole. This in and of itself is a massive breech of successful human interaction protocol.
If you're a reader of my other blog, Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life, then you'd know I have a 48 Hour Rule. If I have contacted you then you have exactly 48 hours to reply. If I do not receive a response then I will assume you are either dead, in a coma, or blowing me off and will not attempt to contact you further. A simple acknowledgement that you have received my message will suffice.
I also majored in Communications in college, which is where I learned about the concept of the "thought balloon". Regardless of the size of my balloon I've released, protocol dictates that you're supposed to be sensitive to my thought balloon and not pop it. You don't necessarily have to share your own balloon of similar size. You're just supposed to acknowledge mine and not make me feel embarrassed for sharing my innermost thoughts because that's not very easy for me.
College is also where I learned about the concept of "role relationships" and appropriate communication and behavior within those types of role relationships. Wikipedia defines role in this way:
A role (also rôle or social role) is a set of connected behaviours, rights, obligations, beliefs, and norms as conceptualized by people in a social situation. It is an expected or free or continuously changing behaviour and may have a given individual social status or social position. It is vital to both functionalist and interactionist understandings of society.
Honestly, that cold definition perfectly fits with how my comm protocol is outlined. A role relationship is any relationship with a specific, defined label. You have role relationships with your doctors, bosses, hair stylists, HR people, dog walkers, neighbors, parents, etc. Certain protocol and patterns of behavior and communication must be observed with each person depending on their role in your life.
The psychologist has broken protocol and popped my balloon. The person in the HR department who is responsible for updating my accommodation at work has also broken similar protocol and popped my balloon. It's been 2 weeks and she still hasn't responded. They were supposed to acknowledge and respond and they haven't yet.
I don't care if I overshared or if they're busy or if they're on vacation or had something significantly delay them. I care about acknowledgement of my precious balloons and making sure that my world is not in chaotic disarray.. which right now it is. These ladies are going to give me a stroke.
Hopefully this has illustrated that Communication Etiquette is crucial. If you know someone who is non-neurotypical then do them a solid and acknowledge their balloons so they can get back to doing other things and going on about their lives. I guarantee you they're stressing out over it right now and you're probably going to give them a stroke because you're an asshole.
You're the reason they haven't discovered something new today or created something beautiful that will benefit the world. You are the reason they haven't cured cancer and AIDS and ended world poverty and solved the problems that need solving. Instead you are exhausting them by popping their balloons. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And as I finish this.. The doctor has finally responded. YaY!
So it's there now.. Out in the world.. That fucking typo in there that I missed will haunt me forever.
And 24 hours later, I have still not yet received a response. The anxiety umbrella is open and I'm not OK because I don't know how this lady is taking my novel I've sent and I'm heavily anticipating her response. Will she understand? I don't know. Will she allow me to return these things to her in a way which is more conducive? I don't know. Will she think I'm faking this or trying to be too autistic? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know... I DO NOT KNOW.
What I do know is, the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy-er.. than I already feel I am. My blood pressure is probably through the roof right now. I may have a stroke if I don't hear back from this lady today. Why has she not responded back yet? Does she not realize that I'm probably freaking out right now? I figured she would be receptive to this because she probably deals with other people who have similar problems all the time. Does she make them freak out too?
Response time is crucial to me when I've put out a very large thought balloon that I'm uncomfortable with blowing up and releasing the string on. It's dangerous territory because I can't predict other people's reactions very easily. I don't even necessarily care whether other people have a good or bad reaction. I just want to know that my thought balloon string has been caught and the message inside has been received in the way in which I intended.
I have a designated protocol for just about everything. I'm extremely protocol oriented because it minimizes the level of chaos which could potentially ensue. When said protocols are followed, then it's easier to predict the optimum outcomes which will likely result. If protocols aren't followed then the whole world will fall apart and come crashing down. It's really that serious and that important.
If you're a neurotypical person, then you just know things instinctively. No one had to really teach you. You just know. If things you are used to are changed in some way then you're able to just pick up on it and roll with the changes. It's not a big deal to you. It doesn't affect you deeply or profoundly. You just go about your life doing simple, routine things which are asked of you with little thought or worry. That is not how it is at all for people who aren't neurotypical.
People who are non-neurotypical basically feel like the neurotypical people all got together and had a meeting one day to decide what was "normal" and we missed it... either because you didn't invite us because you're assholes.. or because we were in our own worlds and forgot it was happening that day. Regardless, we're being penalized every day for missing that fucking meeting because you think we're just supposed to know these things. We don't. We really don't. We're not fucking with you. This isn't an elaborate game we're playing. It's a fact and a hardcore reality.
Since we missed your normal people meeting, we are at a disadvantage. We have to make a point to learn how to do all those things others do instinctively so we can pretend to be "normal" because being ourselves as we truly are is considered unacceptable and wrong... which is something that I'm guessing was decided in that meeting we missed.
When the normal functioning brains were being handed out, we got the beta testing glitchy ones that weren't quite ready yet. They're more advanced and have some really awesome features like higher intelligence, faster information processing, larger capacity for information retention, more creativity, psychic abilities, etc.. But to make room for that, we had to dump some useless things like feeling your feelings and understanding your facial expressions and reading your social cues. Our beta brains are capable of learning these things. They just obviously have some bugs that still need to be worked out.
Here is a list of Famous People with Asperger's Syndrome or people suspected of having high functioning autism to check out. Notable people include: Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Alexander Graham Bell, Bill Gates, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Warhol, Robin Williams, Bob Dylan, Jim Henson, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Isaac Newton, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf.. Fucking Nietzche is on the list. Basically, the majority of the most brilliant minds that exist and have ever existed on this planet have or had high functioning autism.
For real, fuck having a neurotypical brain. I know I'm capable of doing just about anything I want. Let me give you a list of the things I'm working on right now.. 2 blogs, 6 science fiction novels, a series of short stories about a woman with sex addiction, an applied physics theory that will allow both intergalactic travel and time travel, 20 songs, 8 million poems, a screenplay for a movie, a DIY home makeover of my entire townhouse, and a plan for global domination.
If I could just manage to stick to working on one thing long enough to finish it and then move onto the next and finish that until everything I've started already is done so I can move onto new things then I would be on the above list. This is a massive reason for seeking this HFA diagnosis and treatment. Every project is a special interest and I go through phases of special interests. I get sidetracked and bored and they cease to be special until I get interested in them again enough to work on them... or not.
I need to learn how to pretend to be normal in a less exhausting way or just find acceptance with being myself and have an officially documented excuse for it. Either way, this will free me up to finish my books, stories, poems, and songs, update my blogs regularly without getting sidetracked, make my whole townhouse look super awesome and beautiful, finally travel through space and time, win Nobel prizes, and take over the world.
In the meantime...
If you know someone who is non-neurotypical (and you probably do), then you know they have a certain way they go about things and they are extremely particular about it. Some people are just picky and particular about shit because they're controlling. Non-neurotypical people are particular because we have to be. We're not trying to control you. We're trying to control ourselves because we're trying to make sure we're doing what we've learned correctly.
This means if you're doing something for or with us that has an established protocol, then you need to do it correctly too exactly the way we have learned and decided is most appropriate or conducive. If you don't then you won't achieve our same ideal result and this will cause rampant chaos in our worlds and fuck us up. Then we'll have to do it over and fix it without you from henceforth because you have proven that you don't know what you're doing nor care about learning how to do things the way we think is supposed to be "normal" for us.
That's what pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Non-neurotypical people, including myself, who are high functioning enough to know how abnormal we are, spend an exorbitant amount of time learning how to do things the way neurotypical people do in the ways they think is best that they decided in that meeting we missed.
I actually practice recognizing other people's facial expressions, displaying my own appropriate facial expressions, following my scripts to display concern and caring for others, appropriately responding when someone solicits a response from me, and trying not to judge others outwardly or say inappropriate or mean things which might upset them.. even though they may have bored me and annoyed me with their pointless stories I care nothing about because I don't feel like talking right now. But why don't neurotypical people spend any time doing the same for us?
I don't need you to hug me when I'm upset. That's what you need when you're upset. What I need you to do is load the dishwasher correctly while I vent about other people who broke protocol. Since you, normal person who is so deeply empathetic, can instinctively feel my feelings then you should feel my anxiety when my protocols aren't observed and feel when I'm upset because my world is now in chaotic disarray.
You should pretend to give a fuck about the fact that you've upset me because you didn't care enough about my happiness to meet my needs the way I've asked they be met. If you know that I have a massive anxiety disorder and that I have high blood pressure then why would you further me along towards having a stroke at 32? I'm not actively doing things that will kill you by being an asshole. This in and of itself is a massive breech of successful human interaction protocol.
If you're a reader of my other blog, Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life, then you'd know I have a 48 Hour Rule. If I have contacted you then you have exactly 48 hours to reply. If I do not receive a response then I will assume you are either dead, in a coma, or blowing me off and will not attempt to contact you further. A simple acknowledgement that you have received my message will suffice.
I also majored in Communications in college, which is where I learned about the concept of the "thought balloon". Regardless of the size of my balloon I've released, protocol dictates that you're supposed to be sensitive to my thought balloon and not pop it. You don't necessarily have to share your own balloon of similar size. You're just supposed to acknowledge mine and not make me feel embarrassed for sharing my innermost thoughts because that's not very easy for me.
College is also where I learned about the concept of "role relationships" and appropriate communication and behavior within those types of role relationships. Wikipedia defines role in this way:
A role (also rôle or social role) is a set of connected behaviours, rights, obligations, beliefs, and norms as conceptualized by people in a social situation. It is an expected or free or continuously changing behaviour and may have a given individual social status or social position. It is vital to both functionalist and interactionist understandings of society.
Honestly, that cold definition perfectly fits with how my comm protocol is outlined. A role relationship is any relationship with a specific, defined label. You have role relationships with your doctors, bosses, hair stylists, HR people, dog walkers, neighbors, parents, etc. Certain protocol and patterns of behavior and communication must be observed with each person depending on their role in your life.
The psychologist has broken protocol and popped my balloon. The person in the HR department who is responsible for updating my accommodation at work has also broken similar protocol and popped my balloon. It's been 2 weeks and she still hasn't responded. They were supposed to acknowledge and respond and they haven't yet.
I don't care if I overshared or if they're busy or if they're on vacation or had something significantly delay them. I care about acknowledgement of my precious balloons and making sure that my world is not in chaotic disarray.. which right now it is. These ladies are going to give me a stroke.
Hopefully this has illustrated that Communication Etiquette is crucial. If you know someone who is non-neurotypical then do them a solid and acknowledge their balloons so they can get back to doing other things and going on about their lives. I guarantee you they're stressing out over it right now and you're probably going to give them a stroke because you're an asshole.
You're the reason they haven't discovered something new today or created something beautiful that will benefit the world. You are the reason they haven't cured cancer and AIDS and ended world poverty and solved the problems that need solving. Instead you are exhausting them by popping their balloons. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And as I finish this.. The doctor has finally responded. YaY!
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