Transmission: A Blanket Statement for All Those Concerned

There are times when I feel like I need to put out a blanket statement to the people who care about me who think I either need protection or to be put in check... This appears to be one of those times... Being diagnosed with HFA/ASD simultaneously does and does not change the person I was before. I'm still the person you've known for however long you've known me. I just have a better, more profound understanding of that person. It's amazing how one word could hold so much weight and power.. Autism.. That one word seems to now encompass all that is me and is the only thing I need to say to justify and explain everything. It's very freeing and less exhausting.

I can't, in all honesty, say that it does not change the person I will be going forward. In large part, this is because it affects how people view me and deal with me now. It also affects how I will deal with everyone in all situations I have yet to experience in the time I have left in this world. Others see it as a pass and an excuse for my behavior that will make whatever I do forgivable because I'm hindered. I just see it as a much shorter explanation than ones I've had to give in the past. Before I used a million words to justify myself. Now I only have to use one. Think of all the time I'll save and all the energy I'll now have from only using one word.

I'll admit that in many ways I see it as my free license to use at my discretion when it suits me. It has just made me an even more phenomenal bull bashing my way through an even shittier China shop that needs wrecking. But since I'm not a shitty person, I can't in good conscience just do whatever I want now without remorse and use my autism to get away with it all scott-free. It would be wrong and counterproductive to my whole reason for seeking diagnosis and treatment in the first place.

I think it's sad that people hear the word "autism" and now think I am significantly, profoundly disabled.. That I am to be pitied for my stigmatized affliction because I have a problem with my brain that most people don't understand. This is not how I want to be treated. I'm not retarded or weak or incapacitated or helpless. I do not wish to be seen as some poor, deeply wounded victim for which to feel sorry. I am a strong, very smart, persistent, capable, competent person who is continuously striving to move forward and be the best version of myself I possibly can be and achieve my goal of self-actualization... as are many autistic people.

Every day I try to do my part to make this world a little better and fairer for myself and others than it was the day before. I believe I can make an incredibly massive difference in this world and leave my mark. I will make that list of notable autistic people for doing something amazing and great and memorable. I will create beautiful things with my beautiful mind from beautiful works of art of words, sounds, and colors to a more beautiful world in which to put them.This is my goal and my promise. 

I have always been that person and, against all odds, obstacles, and adversity, I will not stop being that person. I went through this autism diagnostic process because I believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve better. I am also realistic about my own obstacles standing in my way and know that I need to learn better ways to overcome them. I believe the treatment I can get now will enable me to get that help to gather those tools.

Yes, I am going through a significant, rather difficult time and I'm more outwardly emotional than is normal for me and both need and appreciate the continued love and support to get through it. However, I am not in a tailspin nor out of control. I'm just trying to get a handle on my new reality now that I've been given this perspective of my world and life thus far and have this new, better understanding of the way my condition has impacted everything so I can move forward in a better way. There is always a method to my perceived madness and it will become apparent in time. Just be patient.

Part of this process involves being brutally honest with myself and the people around me about how things really are without attempting to maintain an exhaustive pretense or facade. The truth is not always easy for people to hear. I'm not having an easy time with it so I don't feel that people who've had a stake in making my truth uneasy should be off the hook either. 

Some things we need to be honest about can be discussed and forgiven.. other things still must be righted but are not so easily forgivable. Some things are just plain unforgivable and fuck the people who did them and karma is a bitch. The uppance has finally come for them. They are reaping what they sowed and they deserve every last bit of it. 

Now that does go both ways because I'm not innocent or incapable of wrong doing. I've always held myself accountable and accepted responsibility and made amends for my behavior in the past. But I don't necessarily expect to be forgiven, so you shouldn't either. What I do expect is that things will change all around. You will not be able to get around me anymore.

I want my positive future I'm hopeful about and that involves taking a full account and inventory of the past to reconcile the present. While I do not see myself as a victim, I do recognize that I have been victimized in the past by many around me both intentionally and unintentionally. Many autistic people have experienced similar treatment and our very nature does not allow us to see it so easily or at all unless it is flagrant and blatant. 

Unfortunately as a result, we spend a great deal of time being constantly defensive because we have to assume that pretty much everyone is out to harm us or wrong us or take advantage of us... Some are and some are not.. But since we don't know the difference, we have to treat everyone the same.. even those we love and trust to a certain extent. This paranoid state is a tragic way to live. It keeps us isolated even further than our condition by nature already does from the rest of the world we want to be apart of both physically when we can be hermits and mentally when we must interact.

I have felt isolated and alone for a really long time. I don't want to feel that way anymore. My quest for better and discovery of the autistic community has shown me that I'm not alone in this world. I'm not the only person having the life experience I thought no one truly shared in. I have meant it when I've said that I've never felt so happy to not feel so unique. I found a little haven of aliens like me who speak my language and truly understand me. 

But I am disgusted, appalled, and outraged that one of our commonalities we aliens share is this treatment by others and this paranoid life state that further fuels our innate anxiety. It is the fabric that made our normal suits. It has impacted every facet of our lives in unimaginable ways.

We get mistreated, misunderstood, and mishandled by pretty much everyone we encounter from Day #1 of human interaction.. Our families, our childhood friends we make, the kids we played with, our schoolmates, their parents, our teachers, our bosses, our coworkers, our medical providers, our grown up friends, our significant others... EVERYONE. This is wrong. This is unfair. This, in some cases, is even morally and legally reprehensible. This must be stopped. This must be changed. This must be fixed. 

This is what I'm dealing with right now.. The magnitude of now understanding just how much this has affected me. This was in the handbook I read so at least I have steps on how to proceed and a superior analytical mind that solves problems better than most that will be able to fix this. I will get through this and come out on top like I always do. You know this is true.

But in the meantime, I will piss off A LOT of people... and all I have to say to that is GOOD. I'm pissed off and I intentionally offended them for a reason and elicited the exact desired response of pissed offness. If they weren't doing anything wrong then they wouldn't be taking so much offense right now or trying to backpeddle or close ranks or be working so hard to try to push this back on me by attempting to confuse me and discount me. They are even in some cases using my autism symptoms as weapons to make me doubt myself like this is all in my head when we all damn well know it's not.

For those of you that love me and are part of my support system, I know that you are concerned about me and are afraid for my wellbeing while you watch me piss off these people. That is because you cannot yet see the method behind the madness. Your sense of normalcy and decorum sees me creating anarchy and disharmony because you think I'm letting my impulsive behavior and inner chaos get the best of me. That is not the case this time.. At least not the whole case.. Cause I'll admit that there may be a hint of that in there. But it doesn't change anything. I'm still right.

I'm not in defense or attack mode because I'm letting my emotions get the better of me because I'm upset about my autism diagnosis. I'm standing up for myself and defending myself against the people who mocked and harassed me and victimized me. I'm not blindly lashing out. I'm operating under more of a "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" mentality. I'm allowing myself to feel exactly how I should feel without hiding or holding back or letting it go because I'm afraid of the consequences.

My autism isn't a free pass. I earned that pass. I paid for it with a lifetime of pain and tears. I'm terrified of what will happen because this could all blow up in my face. But I can't let myself be paralyzed by fear any longer. My autism diagnosis helps me because it enables me to finally go balls out the way I've wanted to in this exact extreme way to this extent for as long as I can remember and fight for myself as dirty and as hardcore as needs be to win.

I have resources now. I have protection now. I have a community now full of aliens and alien sympathizers who will come to my aid and defend me should I need it. The law is on my side. Right is on my side. Hell, I even believe God is on my side because I have the most incredible luck. That's why I'm a phenomenal bull who continuously gets opportunities to smash up these shitty ass china shops.

I'm fighting a war for myself and, now for my fellow members of the autistic community, in which there will be many casualties and a significant amount of collateral damage, some of which I'll later regret. But if I win, then it will be the most fantastic victory anyone has ever seen that will be the foundation of my more beautiful world I envision. You just have to believe that I will win.. Because you know me well enough to know that I will not stop until I win. So you can either stand by and be my cheerleader or you can join me and be a soldier. The choice is yours. Make it.