There are times when I feel like I need to put out a blanket statement to the people who care about me who think I either need protection or to be put in check... This appears to be one of those times... Being diagnosed with HFA/ASD simultaneously does and does not change the person I was before. I'm still the person you've known for however long you've known me. I just have a better, more profound understanding of that person. It's amazing how one word could hold so much weight and power.. Autism.. That one word seems to now encompass all that is me and is the only thing I need to say to justify and explain everything. It's very freeing and less exhausting.
I can't, in all honesty, say that it does not change the person I will be going forward. In large part, this is because it affects how people view me and deal with me now. It also affects how I will deal with everyone in all situations I have yet to experience in the time I have left in this world. Others see it as a pass and an excuse for my behavior that will make whatever I do forgivable because I'm hindered. I just see it as a much shorter explanation than ones I've had to give in the past. Before I used a million words to justify myself. Now I only have to use one. Think of all the time I'll save and all the energy I'll now have from only using one word.
I'll admit that in many ways I see it as my free license to use at my discretion when it suits me. It has just made me an even more phenomenal bull bashing my way through an even shittier China shop that needs wrecking. But since I'm not a shitty person, I can't in good conscience just do whatever I want now without remorse and use my autism to get away with it all scott-free. It would be wrong and counterproductive to my whole reason for seeking diagnosis and treatment in the first place.
I think it's sad that people hear the word "autism" and now think I am significantly, profoundly disabled.. That I am to be pitied for my stigmatized affliction because I have a problem with my brain that most people don't understand. This is not how I want to be treated. I'm not retarded or weak or incapacitated or helpless. I do not wish to be seen as some poor, deeply wounded victim for which to feel sorry. I am a strong, very smart, persistent, capable, competent person who is continuously striving to move forward and be the best version of myself I possibly can be and achieve my goal of self-actualization... as are many autistic people.
Every day I try to do my part to make this world a little better and fairer for myself and others than it was the day before. I believe I can make an incredibly massive difference in this world and leave my mark. I will make that list of notable autistic people for doing something amazing and great and memorable. I will create beautiful things with my beautiful mind from beautiful works of art of words, sounds, and colors to a more beautiful world in which to put them.This is my goal and my promise.
I have always been that person and, against all odds, obstacles, and adversity, I will not stop being that person. I went through this autism diagnostic process because I believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve better. I am also realistic about my own obstacles standing in my way and know that I need to learn better ways to overcome them. I believe the treatment I can get now will enable me to get that help to gather those tools.
Yes, I am going through a significant, rather difficult time and I'm more outwardly emotional than is normal for me and both need and appreciate the continued love and support to get through it. However, I am not in a tailspin nor out of control. I'm just trying to get a handle on my new reality now that I've been given this perspective of my world and life thus far and have this new, better understanding of the way my condition has impacted everything so I can move forward in a better way. There is always a method to my perceived madness and it will become apparent in time. Just be patient.
Part of this process involves being brutally honest with myself and the people around me about how things really are without attempting to maintain an exhaustive pretense or facade. The truth is not always easy for people to hear. I'm not having an easy time with it so I don't feel that people who've had a stake in making my truth uneasy should be off the hook either.
Some things we need to be honest about can be discussed and forgiven.. other things still must be righted but are not so easily forgivable. Some things are just plain unforgivable and fuck the people who did them and karma is a bitch. The uppance has finally come for them. They are reaping what they sowed and they deserve every last bit of it.
Now that does go both ways because I'm not innocent or incapable of wrong doing. I've always held myself accountable and accepted responsibility and made amends for my behavior in the past. But I don't necessarily expect to be forgiven, so you shouldn't either. What I do expect is that things will change all around. You will not be able to get around me anymore.
I want my positive future I'm hopeful about and that involves taking a full account and inventory of the past to reconcile the present. While I do not see myself as a victim, I do recognize that I have been victimized in the past by many around me both intentionally and unintentionally. Many autistic people have experienced similar treatment and our very nature does not allow us to see it so easily or at all unless it is flagrant and blatant.
Unfortunately as a result, we spend a great deal of time being constantly defensive because we have to assume that pretty much everyone is out to harm us or wrong us or take advantage of us... Some are and some are not.. But since we don't know the difference, we have to treat everyone the same.. even those we love and trust to a certain extent. This paranoid state is a tragic way to live. It keeps us isolated even further than our condition by nature already does from the rest of the world we want to be apart of both physically when we can be hermits and mentally when we must interact.
I have felt isolated and alone for a really long time. I don't want to feel that way anymore. My quest for better and discovery of the autistic community has shown me that I'm not alone in this world. I'm not the only person having the life experience I thought no one truly shared in. I have meant it when I've said that I've never felt so happy to not feel so unique. I found a little haven of aliens like me who speak my language and truly understand me.
But I am disgusted, appalled, and outraged that one of our commonalities we aliens share is this treatment by others and this paranoid life state that further fuels our innate anxiety. It is the fabric that made our normal suits. It has impacted every facet of our lives in unimaginable ways.
We get mistreated, misunderstood, and mishandled by pretty much everyone we encounter from Day #1 of human interaction.. Our families, our childhood friends we make, the kids we played with, our schoolmates, their parents, our teachers, our bosses, our coworkers, our medical providers, our grown up friends, our significant others... EVERYONE. This is wrong. This is unfair. This, in some cases, is even morally and legally reprehensible. This must be stopped. This must be changed. This must be fixed.
This is what I'm dealing with right now.. The magnitude of now understanding just how much this has affected me. This was in the handbook I read so at least I have steps on how to proceed and a superior analytical mind that solves problems better than most that will be able to fix this. I will get through this and come out on top like I always do. You know this is true.
But in the meantime, I will piss off A LOT of people... and all I have to say to that is GOOD. I'm pissed off and I intentionally offended them for a reason and elicited the exact desired response of pissed offness. If they weren't doing anything wrong then they wouldn't be taking so much offense right now or trying to backpeddle or close ranks or be working so hard to try to push this back on me by attempting to confuse me and discount me. They are even in some cases using my autism symptoms as weapons to make me doubt myself like this is all in my head when we all damn well know it's not.
For those of you that love me and are part of my support system, I know that you are concerned about me and are afraid for my wellbeing while you watch me piss off these people. That is because you cannot yet see the method behind the madness. Your sense of normalcy and decorum sees me creating anarchy and disharmony because you think I'm letting my impulsive behavior and inner chaos get the best of me. That is not the case this time.. At least not the whole case.. Cause I'll admit that there may be a hint of that in there. But it doesn't change anything. I'm still right.
I'm not in defense or attack mode because I'm letting my emotions get the better of me because I'm upset about my autism diagnosis. I'm standing up for myself and defending myself against the people who mocked and harassed me and victimized me. I'm not blindly lashing out. I'm operating under more of a "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" mentality. I'm allowing myself to feel exactly how I should feel without hiding or holding back or letting it go because I'm afraid of the consequences.
My autism isn't a free pass. I earned that pass. I paid for it with a lifetime of pain and tears. I'm terrified of what will happen because this could all blow up in my face. But I can't let myself be paralyzed by fear any longer. My autism diagnosis helps me because it enables me to finally go balls out the way I've wanted to in this exact extreme way to this extent for as long as I can remember and fight for myself as dirty and as hardcore as needs be to win.
I have resources now. I have protection now. I have a community now full of aliens and alien sympathizers who will come to my aid and defend me should I need it. The law is on my side. Right is on my side. Hell, I even believe God is on my side because I have the most incredible luck. That's why I'm a phenomenal bull who continuously gets opportunities to smash up these shitty ass china shops.
I'm fighting a war for myself and, now for my fellow members of the autistic community, in which there will be many casualties and a significant amount of collateral damage, some of which I'll later regret. But if I win, then it will be the most fantastic victory anyone has ever seen that will be the foundation of my more beautiful world I envision. You just have to believe that I will win.. Because you know me well enough to know that I will not stop until I win. So you can either stand by and be my cheerleader or you can join me and be a soldier. The choice is yours. Make it.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Transmission #7: Snail Mail Aversion and Response Time Etiquette
The psychologist I'm going to see for my HFA diagnosis has asked me to mail back some forms to her office. It sounds like an excessively simple, routine thing that shouldn't be a big deal, right? Wrong. I have a serious aversion to snail mail. I don't know why. I don't really know when it started. I just know that the thought of mailing something causes me to have anxiety attacks.
I've never really discussed what I really think day-to-day about anything quite this much ever before. There are certain things I'll share which have been sanitized after passing "The Normal Test". But 85% of my daily thoughts are things I keep to myself because I really don't think anyone would appreciate them and I would probably get locked away in an asylum forever, or at the very least, be hated by everyone.
This is one of those things I would definitely keep to myself when I'm wearing the normal suit and trying to be appropriate because I don't think the average person is really concerned with my aversions. The reality of the situation is... and this is something deeply profound I've come to realize... Most people neurotypical people who are able to feel instinctively empathetic don't really give a shit about what bothers you in a real way, especially if the thing that bothers you seems benign to them.
Sunday afternoon, I attended my friend Abby's baby shower. After most of the guests had left, I was telling her about my upcoming diagnostic assessment test and whatnot. I also mentioned the fact that the doctor wanted me to mail things back to her and my postal aversion and how I was debating on whether or not to tell the doctor about it. I was afraid it would be inappropriate and also that she might think I was trying to seem too Aspie. But the reality is, you can't really fake this and the fact that this really is an issue for me at all is still a problem.
She and a couple other friends there said I should tell her... So I did. Here is the email I sent yesterday...
Sent 5/26/2016 at 11:04am:
I've never really discussed what I really think day-to-day about anything quite this much ever before. There are certain things I'll share which have been sanitized after passing "The Normal Test". But 85% of my daily thoughts are things I keep to myself because I really don't think anyone would appreciate them and I would probably get locked away in an asylum forever, or at the very least, be hated by everyone.
This is one of those things I would definitely keep to myself when I'm wearing the normal suit and trying to be appropriate because I don't think the average person is really concerned with my aversions. The reality of the situation is... and this is something deeply profound I've come to realize... Most people neurotypical people who are able to feel instinctively empathetic don't really give a shit about what bothers you in a real way, especially if the thing that bothers you seems benign to them.
Sunday afternoon, I attended my friend Abby's baby shower. After most of the guests had left, I was telling her about my upcoming diagnostic assessment test and whatnot. I also mentioned the fact that the doctor wanted me to mail things back to her and my postal aversion and how I was debating on whether or not to tell the doctor about it. I was afraid it would be inappropriate and also that she might think I was trying to seem too Aspie. But the reality is, you can't really fake this and the fact that this really is an issue for me at all is still a problem.
She and a couple other friends there said I should tell her... So I did. Here is the email I sent yesterday...
Sent 5/26/2016 at 11:04am:
Good Morning Dr. B,
In the spirit of full disclosure for the sake of making any kind of personal progress, I feel the need to explain that I have a significant aversion to snail mailing... which obviously presents a problem for me to mail the forms back. The whole process of mailing anything is overwhelming to me and makes me anxious because I have an uncertainty and lack of confidence in the postal system itself.
I don't like that they no longer put the cent amounts on stamps. I have stamps that I bought the last time I was forced to mail something are worth but no clue what they're worth, nor what the current postage rate is now, and the amount of postage would obviously change for the envelope weight. I really think this is where the aversion stems from because when the values were still on the stamps I was not as apprehensive about mailing things.
I'm also concerned the envelope could get lost or go to the wrong address and then I'd have to repeat the process all over again while worrying about where the lost envelope went forever. I know they have the tracking but I don't necessarily trust that either because it doesn't always work. I've had issues with this before.
If it helps to further clarify the significance of this aversion, I have a stack of Hallmark cards that I've bought with intentions to mail which has been growing for the better part of a decade. I still have a thank you card for my Godmother Juji for the gift she and my Godfather gave me for my college graduation like 6 years ago. She passed away 2 years ago and I still feel terrible for never sending it. I also have a "thinking of you" card for my Godfather Unk. He will probably die before I ever send it.
I also have several Father's Day, thinking of you, and birthday cards for my Grampa that I never sent and he passed away about 3 years ago now. I read them to him over the phone while he was on his deathbed in a nursing home down in Florida and apologized for being a terrible granddaughter. He used to send the most beautiful handwritten cards and notes to me all the time until his hands got too shaky from the Parkinson's. This is probably the biggest reason I feel ashamed of my postal aversion. But, even that wasn't enough to get me over it.
Whenever things need to be mailed, I have generally convinced someone to handle it for me like my mom, younger brother, or boyfriend when I had one. Any time I've had to do it myself, I've basically spent a ridiculous amount of time being extremely anxious over such a small, somewhat routine task/activity and had to find someone to hold my hand in essence and cheer lead me through the snail mail process.
Under typical circumstances, I would just suffer in silence because it would be inappropriate to explain that to people I don't know as this is not what "normal" people do. But a couple people in my support system encouraged me to let you know about this because you obviously can't help me with it if you're not aware. I'm really not sure if this is a symptom of HFA or not. Regardless, I recognize that not being able to mail an envelope without having an anxiety attack over it is not "normal" behavior.
In the meantime, if you need the originals for sure then your office is also not far from my work so I could come drop the forms off in person if that is OK. If not, I can use the color scanner. For real, it's so clear you almost can't even tell the difference between the originals and the copy. If there is a significant reason why snail mailing the forms is absolutely necessary though, then please let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Please let me know what you think is best. Also, apologies for novel. I've been trying to document these kinds of things to give you a better idea of my issues and examples of behavior as I think of them. I greatly appreciate your understanding and assistance.
Thanks,
NM
So it's there now.. Out in the world.. That fucking typo in there that I missed will haunt me forever.
And 24 hours later, I have still not yet received a response. The anxiety umbrella is open and I'm not OK because I don't know how this lady is taking my novel I've sent and I'm heavily anticipating her response. Will she understand? I don't know. Will she allow me to return these things to her in a way which is more conducive? I don't know. Will she think I'm faking this or trying to be too autistic? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know... I DO NOT KNOW.
What I do know is, the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy-er.. than I already feel I am. My blood pressure is probably through the roof right now. I may have a stroke if I don't hear back from this lady today. Why has she not responded back yet? Does she not realize that I'm probably freaking out right now? I figured she would be receptive to this because she probably deals with other people who have similar problems all the time. Does she make them freak out too?
Response time is crucial to me when I've put out a very large thought balloon that I'm uncomfortable with blowing up and releasing the string on. It's dangerous territory because I can't predict other people's reactions very easily. I don't even necessarily care whether other people have a good or bad reaction. I just want to know that my thought balloon string has been caught and the message inside has been received in the way in which I intended.
I have a designated protocol for just about everything. I'm extremely protocol oriented because it minimizes the level of chaos which could potentially ensue. When said protocols are followed, then it's easier to predict the optimum outcomes which will likely result. If protocols aren't followed then the whole world will fall apart and come crashing down. It's really that serious and that important.
If you're a neurotypical person, then you just know things instinctively. No one had to really teach you. You just know. If things you are used to are changed in some way then you're able to just pick up on it and roll with the changes. It's not a big deal to you. It doesn't affect you deeply or profoundly. You just go about your life doing simple, routine things which are asked of you with little thought or worry. That is not how it is at all for people who aren't neurotypical.
People who are non-neurotypical basically feel like the neurotypical people all got together and had a meeting one day to decide what was "normal" and we missed it... either because you didn't invite us because you're assholes.. or because we were in our own worlds and forgot it was happening that day. Regardless, we're being penalized every day for missing that fucking meeting because you think we're just supposed to know these things. We don't. We really don't. We're not fucking with you. This isn't an elaborate game we're playing. It's a fact and a hardcore reality.
Since we missed your normal people meeting, we are at a disadvantage. We have to make a point to learn how to do all those things others do instinctively so we can pretend to be "normal" because being ourselves as we truly are is considered unacceptable and wrong... which is something that I'm guessing was decided in that meeting we missed.
When the normal functioning brains were being handed out, we got the beta testing glitchy ones that weren't quite ready yet. They're more advanced and have some really awesome features like higher intelligence, faster information processing, larger capacity for information retention, more creativity, psychic abilities, etc.. But to make room for that, we had to dump some useless things like feeling your feelings and understanding your facial expressions and reading your social cues. Our beta brains are capable of learning these things. They just obviously have some bugs that still need to be worked out.
Here is a list of Famous People with Asperger's Syndrome or people suspected of having high functioning autism to check out. Notable people include: Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Alexander Graham Bell, Bill Gates, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Warhol, Robin Williams, Bob Dylan, Jim Henson, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Isaac Newton, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf.. Fucking Nietzche is on the list. Basically, the majority of the most brilliant minds that exist and have ever existed on this planet have or had high functioning autism.
For real, fuck having a neurotypical brain. I know I'm capable of doing just about anything I want. Let me give you a list of the things I'm working on right now.. 2 blogs, 6 science fiction novels, a series of short stories about a woman with sex addiction, an applied physics theory that will allow both intergalactic travel and time travel, 20 songs, 8 million poems, a screenplay for a movie, a DIY home makeover of my entire townhouse, and a plan for global domination.
If I could just manage to stick to working on one thing long enough to finish it and then move onto the next and finish that until everything I've started already is done so I can move onto new things then I would be on the above list. This is a massive reason for seeking this HFA diagnosis and treatment. Every project is a special interest and I go through phases of special interests. I get sidetracked and bored and they cease to be special until I get interested in them again enough to work on them... or not.
I need to learn how to pretend to be normal in a less exhausting way or just find acceptance with being myself and have an officially documented excuse for it. Either way, this will free me up to finish my books, stories, poems, and songs, update my blogs regularly without getting sidetracked, make my whole townhouse look super awesome and beautiful, finally travel through space and time, win Nobel prizes, and take over the world.
In the meantime...
The way we pretend to be "normal" is by establishing protocols for everything.. And I mean EVERYTHING.. This includes, but is nowhere near limited to: How the clothes will be washed and dried, how the dishwasher will be loaded, the order in which bills will be paid, what to do if the car needs gas, what to do if the house is on fire, how to select the place in an area or room where we will sit, how to care for our pets, and especially what to do in all types of situations for successful human interaction (which is probably the most exhausting).
If you know someone who is non-neurotypical (and you probably do), then you know they have a certain way they go about things and they are extremely particular about it. Some people are just picky and particular about shit because they're controlling. Non-neurotypical people are particular because we have to be. We're not trying to control you. We're trying to control ourselves because we're trying to make sure we're doing what we've learned correctly.
This means if you're doing something for or with us that has an established protocol, then you need to do it correctly too exactly the way we have learned and decided is most appropriate or conducive. If you don't then you won't achieve our same ideal result and this will cause rampant chaos in our worlds and fuck us up. Then we'll have to do it over and fix it without you from henceforth because you have proven that you don't know what you're doing nor care about learning how to do things the way we think is supposed to be "normal" for us.
That's what pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Non-neurotypical people, including myself, who are high functioning enough to know how abnormal we are, spend an exorbitant amount of time learning how to do things the way neurotypical people do in the ways they think is best that they decided in that meeting we missed.
I actually practice recognizing other people's facial expressions, displaying my own appropriate facial expressions, following my scripts to display concern and caring for others, appropriately responding when someone solicits a response from me, and trying not to judge others outwardly or say inappropriate or mean things which might upset them.. even though they may have bored me and annoyed me with their pointless stories I care nothing about because I don't feel like talking right now. But why don't neurotypical people spend any time doing the same for us?
I don't need you to hug me when I'm upset. That's what you need when you're upset. What I need you to do is load the dishwasher correctly while I vent about other people who broke protocol. Since you, normal person who is so deeply empathetic, can instinctively feel my feelings then you should feel my anxiety when my protocols aren't observed and feel when I'm upset because my world is now in chaotic disarray.
You should pretend to give a fuck about the fact that you've upset me because you didn't care enough about my happiness to meet my needs the way I've asked they be met. If you know that I have a massive anxiety disorder and that I have high blood pressure then why would you further me along towards having a stroke at 32? I'm not actively doing things that will kill you by being an asshole. This in and of itself is a massive breech of successful human interaction protocol.
If you're a reader of my other blog, Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life, then you'd know I have a 48 Hour Rule. If I have contacted you then you have exactly 48 hours to reply. If I do not receive a response then I will assume you are either dead, in a coma, or blowing me off and will not attempt to contact you further. A simple acknowledgement that you have received my message will suffice.
I also majored in Communications in college, which is where I learned about the concept of the "thought balloon". Regardless of the size of my balloon I've released, protocol dictates that you're supposed to be sensitive to my thought balloon and not pop it. You don't necessarily have to share your own balloon of similar size. You're just supposed to acknowledge mine and not make me feel embarrassed for sharing my innermost thoughts because that's not very easy for me.
College is also where I learned about the concept of "role relationships" and appropriate communication and behavior within those types of role relationships. Wikipedia defines role in this way:
A role (also rôle or social role) is a set of connected behaviours, rights, obligations, beliefs, and norms as conceptualized by people in a social situation. It is an expected or free or continuously changing behaviour and may have a given individual social status or social position. It is vital to both functionalist and interactionist understandings of society.
Honestly, that cold definition perfectly fits with how my comm protocol is outlined. A role relationship is any relationship with a specific, defined label. You have role relationships with your doctors, bosses, hair stylists, HR people, dog walkers, neighbors, parents, etc. Certain protocol and patterns of behavior and communication must be observed with each person depending on their role in your life.
The psychologist has broken protocol and popped my balloon. The person in the HR department who is responsible for updating my accommodation at work has also broken similar protocol and popped my balloon. It's been 2 weeks and she still hasn't responded. They were supposed to acknowledge and respond and they haven't yet.
I don't care if I overshared or if they're busy or if they're on vacation or had something significantly delay them. I care about acknowledgement of my precious balloons and making sure that my world is not in chaotic disarray.. which right now it is. These ladies are going to give me a stroke.
Hopefully this has illustrated that Communication Etiquette is crucial. If you know someone who is non-neurotypical then do them a solid and acknowledge their balloons so they can get back to doing other things and going on about their lives. I guarantee you they're stressing out over it right now and you're probably going to give them a stroke because you're an asshole.
You're the reason they haven't discovered something new today or created something beautiful that will benefit the world. You are the reason they haven't cured cancer and AIDS and ended world poverty and solved the problems that need solving. Instead you are exhausting them by popping their balloons. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And as I finish this.. The doctor has finally responded. YaY!
So it's there now.. Out in the world.. That fucking typo in there that I missed will haunt me forever.
And 24 hours later, I have still not yet received a response. The anxiety umbrella is open and I'm not OK because I don't know how this lady is taking my novel I've sent and I'm heavily anticipating her response. Will she understand? I don't know. Will she allow me to return these things to her in a way which is more conducive? I don't know. Will she think I'm faking this or trying to be too autistic? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know... I DO NOT KNOW.
What I do know is, the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy-er.. than I already feel I am. My blood pressure is probably through the roof right now. I may have a stroke if I don't hear back from this lady today. Why has she not responded back yet? Does she not realize that I'm probably freaking out right now? I figured she would be receptive to this because she probably deals with other people who have similar problems all the time. Does she make them freak out too?
Response time is crucial to me when I've put out a very large thought balloon that I'm uncomfortable with blowing up and releasing the string on. It's dangerous territory because I can't predict other people's reactions very easily. I don't even necessarily care whether other people have a good or bad reaction. I just want to know that my thought balloon string has been caught and the message inside has been received in the way in which I intended.
I have a designated protocol for just about everything. I'm extremely protocol oriented because it minimizes the level of chaos which could potentially ensue. When said protocols are followed, then it's easier to predict the optimum outcomes which will likely result. If protocols aren't followed then the whole world will fall apart and come crashing down. It's really that serious and that important.
If you're a neurotypical person, then you just know things instinctively. No one had to really teach you. You just know. If things you are used to are changed in some way then you're able to just pick up on it and roll with the changes. It's not a big deal to you. It doesn't affect you deeply or profoundly. You just go about your life doing simple, routine things which are asked of you with little thought or worry. That is not how it is at all for people who aren't neurotypical.
People who are non-neurotypical basically feel like the neurotypical people all got together and had a meeting one day to decide what was "normal" and we missed it... either because you didn't invite us because you're assholes.. or because we were in our own worlds and forgot it was happening that day. Regardless, we're being penalized every day for missing that fucking meeting because you think we're just supposed to know these things. We don't. We really don't. We're not fucking with you. This isn't an elaborate game we're playing. It's a fact and a hardcore reality.
Since we missed your normal people meeting, we are at a disadvantage. We have to make a point to learn how to do all those things others do instinctively so we can pretend to be "normal" because being ourselves as we truly are is considered unacceptable and wrong... which is something that I'm guessing was decided in that meeting we missed.
When the normal functioning brains were being handed out, we got the beta testing glitchy ones that weren't quite ready yet. They're more advanced and have some really awesome features like higher intelligence, faster information processing, larger capacity for information retention, more creativity, psychic abilities, etc.. But to make room for that, we had to dump some useless things like feeling your feelings and understanding your facial expressions and reading your social cues. Our beta brains are capable of learning these things. They just obviously have some bugs that still need to be worked out.
Here is a list of Famous People with Asperger's Syndrome or people suspected of having high functioning autism to check out. Notable people include: Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Alexander Graham Bell, Bill Gates, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Warhol, Robin Williams, Bob Dylan, Jim Henson, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Isaac Newton, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf.. Fucking Nietzche is on the list. Basically, the majority of the most brilliant minds that exist and have ever existed on this planet have or had high functioning autism.
For real, fuck having a neurotypical brain. I know I'm capable of doing just about anything I want. Let me give you a list of the things I'm working on right now.. 2 blogs, 6 science fiction novels, a series of short stories about a woman with sex addiction, an applied physics theory that will allow both intergalactic travel and time travel, 20 songs, 8 million poems, a screenplay for a movie, a DIY home makeover of my entire townhouse, and a plan for global domination.
If I could just manage to stick to working on one thing long enough to finish it and then move onto the next and finish that until everything I've started already is done so I can move onto new things then I would be on the above list. This is a massive reason for seeking this HFA diagnosis and treatment. Every project is a special interest and I go through phases of special interests. I get sidetracked and bored and they cease to be special until I get interested in them again enough to work on them... or not.
I need to learn how to pretend to be normal in a less exhausting way or just find acceptance with being myself and have an officially documented excuse for it. Either way, this will free me up to finish my books, stories, poems, and songs, update my blogs regularly without getting sidetracked, make my whole townhouse look super awesome and beautiful, finally travel through space and time, win Nobel prizes, and take over the world.
In the meantime...
If you know someone who is non-neurotypical (and you probably do), then you know they have a certain way they go about things and they are extremely particular about it. Some people are just picky and particular about shit because they're controlling. Non-neurotypical people are particular because we have to be. We're not trying to control you. We're trying to control ourselves because we're trying to make sure we're doing what we've learned correctly.
This means if you're doing something for or with us that has an established protocol, then you need to do it correctly too exactly the way we have learned and decided is most appropriate or conducive. If you don't then you won't achieve our same ideal result and this will cause rampant chaos in our worlds and fuck us up. Then we'll have to do it over and fix it without you from henceforth because you have proven that you don't know what you're doing nor care about learning how to do things the way we think is supposed to be "normal" for us.
That's what pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Non-neurotypical people, including myself, who are high functioning enough to know how abnormal we are, spend an exorbitant amount of time learning how to do things the way neurotypical people do in the ways they think is best that they decided in that meeting we missed.
I actually practice recognizing other people's facial expressions, displaying my own appropriate facial expressions, following my scripts to display concern and caring for others, appropriately responding when someone solicits a response from me, and trying not to judge others outwardly or say inappropriate or mean things which might upset them.. even though they may have bored me and annoyed me with their pointless stories I care nothing about because I don't feel like talking right now. But why don't neurotypical people spend any time doing the same for us?
I don't need you to hug me when I'm upset. That's what you need when you're upset. What I need you to do is load the dishwasher correctly while I vent about other people who broke protocol. Since you, normal person who is so deeply empathetic, can instinctively feel my feelings then you should feel my anxiety when my protocols aren't observed and feel when I'm upset because my world is now in chaotic disarray.
You should pretend to give a fuck about the fact that you've upset me because you didn't care enough about my happiness to meet my needs the way I've asked they be met. If you know that I have a massive anxiety disorder and that I have high blood pressure then why would you further me along towards having a stroke at 32? I'm not actively doing things that will kill you by being an asshole. This in and of itself is a massive breech of successful human interaction protocol.
If you're a reader of my other blog, Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life, then you'd know I have a 48 Hour Rule. If I have contacted you then you have exactly 48 hours to reply. If I do not receive a response then I will assume you are either dead, in a coma, or blowing me off and will not attempt to contact you further. A simple acknowledgement that you have received my message will suffice.
I also majored in Communications in college, which is where I learned about the concept of the "thought balloon". Regardless of the size of my balloon I've released, protocol dictates that you're supposed to be sensitive to my thought balloon and not pop it. You don't necessarily have to share your own balloon of similar size. You're just supposed to acknowledge mine and not make me feel embarrassed for sharing my innermost thoughts because that's not very easy for me.
College is also where I learned about the concept of "role relationships" and appropriate communication and behavior within those types of role relationships. Wikipedia defines role in this way:
A role (also rôle or social role) is a set of connected behaviours, rights, obligations, beliefs, and norms as conceptualized by people in a social situation. It is an expected or free or continuously changing behaviour and may have a given individual social status or social position. It is vital to both functionalist and interactionist understandings of society.
Honestly, that cold definition perfectly fits with how my comm protocol is outlined. A role relationship is any relationship with a specific, defined label. You have role relationships with your doctors, bosses, hair stylists, HR people, dog walkers, neighbors, parents, etc. Certain protocol and patterns of behavior and communication must be observed with each person depending on their role in your life.
The psychologist has broken protocol and popped my balloon. The person in the HR department who is responsible for updating my accommodation at work has also broken similar protocol and popped my balloon. It's been 2 weeks and she still hasn't responded. They were supposed to acknowledge and respond and they haven't yet.
I don't care if I overshared or if they're busy or if they're on vacation or had something significantly delay them. I care about acknowledgement of my precious balloons and making sure that my world is not in chaotic disarray.. which right now it is. These ladies are going to give me a stroke.
Hopefully this has illustrated that Communication Etiquette is crucial. If you know someone who is non-neurotypical then do them a solid and acknowledge their balloons so they can get back to doing other things and going on about their lives. I guarantee you they're stressing out over it right now and you're probably going to give them a stroke because you're an asshole.
You're the reason they haven't discovered something new today or created something beautiful that will benefit the world. You are the reason they haven't cured cancer and AIDS and ended world poverty and solved the problems that need solving. Instead you are exhausting them by popping their balloons. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And as I finish this.. The doctor has finally responded. YaY!
Monday, May 23, 2016
Transmission #6: Bob Marley, Imperfections, and The Anxiety Umbrella
OK.. So now that I've posted all my Facebook novels from the past few weeks, let's get on with our regularly scheduled program...
This morning while I was getting ready for work, I opted to listen to Bob Marley songs on iHeartRadio as my station of the day. I generally like listening to Bob Marley and similar old school fight the power reggae songs whenever I want to feel happy and stress-free. Something about the constant rhythm and the steel drum takes me to my beachy happy place. But it didn't work today. Why? Imperfections. Subtle, miniscule, tiny flaws that ruin my joy.
The original version of "Sun is Shining" that's kind of a crude, rough, unpolished recording was the second song that came on. This song features an instrument called a melodica which basically is like a keyboard you blow into to make music. It overwhelms the song and is so high-pitched it ruined the whole thing for me.
Here is the version I'm talking about...
Here is the version I'm talking about...
Sensory overload is a big deal. As I mentioned in my post 1st Transmission: The Awakening Has Begun, I turn the radio down when I need to focus. I turn everything down when I can't think at times when thinking is necessary because the sounds of everything else combined with the things I'm trying to get out or make sense of are all just too much. I also just can't deal with sounds that are overwhelmingly loud in obnoxious ways because they hurt my ears.. like I can actually feel the sounds shredding my eardrums and killing my hearing cells.
Anyway, once I had gotten over this and began to relax again, this live version Bob Marley medley mega-mix came on that had snippets from all his most popular songs. It was great.. until there was this one part where the music suddenly went all sharp and flat in ways that made me cringe.. like a tiny hurricane disturbing my calm reggae sea.
All I could do was focus on that 2 seconds of imperfect disharmony and it sucked. It only takes 2 seconds of chaos to disrupt my serenity for hours... Maybe even days. It's awful. All I wanted to do in that moment was cry because this is the theme of my life. My extreme critical nature ruins everything I love all the time.
Anyway, once I had gotten over this and began to relax again, this live version Bob Marley medley mega-mix came on that had snippets from all his most popular songs. It was great.. until there was this one part where the music suddenly went all sharp and flat in ways that made me cringe.. like a tiny hurricane disturbing my calm reggae sea.
All I could do was focus on that 2 seconds of imperfect disharmony and it sucked. It only takes 2 seconds of chaos to disrupt my serenity for hours... Maybe even days. It's awful. All I wanted to do in that moment was cry because this is the theme of my life. My extreme critical nature ruins everything I love all the time.
It occurred to me that when John Elder Robison was on NPR, he was talking about how his job as an audio engineer for concerts used to be finding the imperfections in sound and music and fixing them. But after he got his brain shocked during the therapy treatments, he was finally able to enjoy music without constantly focusing on the imperfections. This is why he now builds custom bikes and whatever.
At first, my opinion on his life events and choice to have this therapy was that it sounded like he had a cool job and then they fried his brain and now he has a way less cool job. But after I let that marinate for a minute, I realized that he loves music and the electroshock therapy treatments allowed him to love it more. They allowed him to feel it more and experience it without feeling this innate urge to recognize and dwell on tiny flaws and imperfections. He wanted to love music more and continue experiencing it in this new way so he had to quit his old job.
I want that. I want that more than I want air. Thinking back to that day when I heard John Elder Robison on NPR, I remembered that was actually what resonated with me enough to finally want this formal diagnosis and the help that results from it. Feeling other people's feelings and experiencing empathy and not cringing when people hug me would be cool.. But I still think it's sort of useless. Music though... Music is never useless.
I want to feel the beauty and the magic of it in a deeper way without the flaws ruining it all. I would just like to go through one day without noticing every imperfection... Just one day where I can just enjoy without habitually criticizing... One day where the one thing that stands out doesn't bother me so much that it destroys the rest. One day of peace where the anxiety umbrella is closed and put away in the closet.
At first, my opinion on his life events and choice to have this therapy was that it sounded like he had a cool job and then they fried his brain and now he has a way less cool job. But after I let that marinate for a minute, I realized that he loves music and the electroshock therapy treatments allowed him to love it more. They allowed him to feel it more and experience it without feeling this innate urge to recognize and dwell on tiny flaws and imperfections. He wanted to love music more and continue experiencing it in this new way so he had to quit his old job.
I want that. I want that more than I want air. Thinking back to that day when I heard John Elder Robison on NPR, I remembered that was actually what resonated with me enough to finally want this formal diagnosis and the help that results from it. Feeling other people's feelings and experiencing empathy and not cringing when people hug me would be cool.. But I still think it's sort of useless. Music though... Music is never useless.
I want to feel the beauty and the magic of it in a deeper way without the flaws ruining it all. I would just like to go through one day without noticing every imperfection... Just one day where I can just enjoy without habitually criticizing... One day where the one thing that stands out doesn't bother me so much that it destroys the rest. One day of peace where the anxiety umbrella is closed and put away in the closet.
Transmission #5: Baron-Cohen Wheelwright Empathy Quotient Test Serial Killer Robot Scores
Originally posted to Facebook on 5/12/2016 at 11:33am:
In preparation for my ASD diagnostic assessment, I took the Baron-Cohen Wheelwright Empathy Quotient Test. I knew I was probably going to score lower than normal.. But I damn sure never expected to get 9 out 80. If 30 is the cut-off of where empathy begins to lack below an acceptable neurotypical level, then 9 is like borderline robot serial killer status. This is disturbing and depressing. Please don't try to hug me.
In preparation for my ASD diagnostic assessment, I took the Baron-Cohen Wheelwright Empathy Quotient Test. I knew I was probably going to score lower than normal.. But I damn sure never expected to get 9 out 80. If 30 is the cut-off of where empathy begins to lack below an acceptable neurotypical level, then 9 is like borderline robot serial killer status. This is disturbing and depressing. Please don't try to hug me.
I took the test again a couple days later and got this score...
I guess I was feeling slightly more empathetic that day.
This Baron-Cohen Wheelwright Empathy Quotient Test was actually very helpful in explaining why I believe I'm on the spectrum to the psychologist I'm going to see for my ASD diagnostic assessment. If you believe you are on the Autism Spectrum then I would highly recommend taking it yourself. You can click on the hyperlink. I've also added it under the ASD Resources section. Just remember to be honest about whether or not you cut up worms as a child and note your scores.
Transmission #4: WrongPlanet.net and A Mask for the World Essay
Originally posted to Facebook on 5/10/2016 At 10:50pm:
My new autism case worker I got today from my health insurance company sent me a bunch of stuff including this link to Wrong Planet. This website is pretty awesome and she told me she doesn't usually send it to people but thought it might help me. She was right. I love reading all these things from people with high functioning Asperger's because I feel like I finally found other people from my planet who speak the same language I do that no one else seemed to understand until recently.
I have so many favorite parts of this essay A Mask for the World but the closing made me cry. This line is the best. "This mask I made in high school, which I can’t seem to take off, is made of self doubt and self loathing, issues I didn’t always have, but I’m working on. Sometimes, it’s our job to learn how the world works. Other times, it’s your job to learn how we work."
I get this because it's actually when my mask was locked on. By my Sophomore year of high school after I was put on ADHD medication, I got much better at socializing and pretending to be "normal"... even though inside I was far from it. The self doubt and the self loathing combined with the anxiety sucks so badly it hurts.
Finally coming out of the proverbial closet and trying to remove this mask and shed my "normal suit" has opened the door to mixed reactions of people who just completely dismiss it because they don't believe me.. and those people can fuck off... and then other people who are being really supportive and trying to understand by asking questions... and hugging me.. a lot.. for which despite all my cringing and faces I make I'm actually extremely grateful.
I learned a new feeling today. "Ambivalence".. It means having multiple simultaneous conflicting emotions. I like this feeling because it fits and I can finally easily recognize something that I typically used to just refer to as a "jumble". I would actually say I am generally feeling ambivalent... especially lately.. I'm happy, hopeful, optimistic, scared, nervous, and almost always have an overarching anxiety that dims everything else with its shadow of crap.
Most of the time it just looks outwardly like I'm angry or confused.. which is probably true. I'm angry with myself for not being able to just have one pure feeling. I'm confused because I'm not sure how my face is supposed to look. To me, it sounds like I'm probably displaying the appropriate face for my ambivalence. I just don't want to explain that to you because you'll want me to tell you why and then you'll try to hug me again.
My little brother did me a solid and took care of Felicity today when she wasn't feeling well and got chicken out to thaw.. and then I came home to a surprise of the dishes being washed without me even having to ask. I read something today that explained the difference between joy and happiness. The feeling of joy is marked by an uncontrollable facial expression we commonly refer to as a smile. Happiness can have many different expressions so fuck that. I haven't mastered it yet. But when the corners of my mouth curled up and I realized I was smiling, I knew I was feeling joyful and told him.. "Look Ian! Joy!"
He then asked me about my feelings today because he didn't really understand before what I meant by not experiencing them normally until we had a talk with our mom on Sunday. It sounds odd to people who experience emotions instinctively and just know what they are without anyone having to tell them. It's hard explaining that having feelings is extremely exhausting because so much goes into what seems like such a simple process.
I like the questions though.. most of the time. Sometimes I really do need to let my brain rest and have my solitude breaks. But at least now people are making an effort to get it and figure out how I work and giving me a bit more of a chance to explain it as best I can. I've spent 32 years how to figure out how you all work. It's kind of nice to take a little break for once.
I also never realized how fucked up everyone else is and how much they struggle with other things. It's refreshing. For as mean as that sounds, I mean it in the best of ways. Maybe we all need to take off our masks and our normal suits and start asking more questions. The world might actually be better for it.
My new autism case worker I got today from my health insurance company sent me a bunch of stuff including this link to Wrong Planet. This website is pretty awesome and she told me she doesn't usually send it to people but thought it might help me. She was right. I love reading all these things from people with high functioning Asperger's because I feel like I finally found other people from my planet who speak the same language I do that no one else seemed to understand until recently.
I have so many favorite parts of this essay A Mask for the World but the closing made me cry. This line is the best. "This mask I made in high school, which I can’t seem to take off, is made of self doubt and self loathing, issues I didn’t always have, but I’m working on. Sometimes, it’s our job to learn how the world works. Other times, it’s your job to learn how we work."
I get this because it's actually when my mask was locked on. By my Sophomore year of high school after I was put on ADHD medication, I got much better at socializing and pretending to be "normal"... even though inside I was far from it. The self doubt and the self loathing combined with the anxiety sucks so badly it hurts.
Finally coming out of the proverbial closet and trying to remove this mask and shed my "normal suit" has opened the door to mixed reactions of people who just completely dismiss it because they don't believe me.. and those people can fuck off... and then other people who are being really supportive and trying to understand by asking questions... and hugging me.. a lot.. for which despite all my cringing and faces I make I'm actually extremely grateful.
I learned a new feeling today. "Ambivalence".. It means having multiple simultaneous conflicting emotions. I like this feeling because it fits and I can finally easily recognize something that I typically used to just refer to as a "jumble". I would actually say I am generally feeling ambivalent... especially lately.. I'm happy, hopeful, optimistic, scared, nervous, and almost always have an overarching anxiety that dims everything else with its shadow of crap.
Most of the time it just looks outwardly like I'm angry or confused.. which is probably true. I'm angry with myself for not being able to just have one pure feeling. I'm confused because I'm not sure how my face is supposed to look. To me, it sounds like I'm probably displaying the appropriate face for my ambivalence. I just don't want to explain that to you because you'll want me to tell you why and then you'll try to hug me again.
My little brother did me a solid and took care of Felicity today when she wasn't feeling well and got chicken out to thaw.. and then I came home to a surprise of the dishes being washed without me even having to ask. I read something today that explained the difference between joy and happiness. The feeling of joy is marked by an uncontrollable facial expression we commonly refer to as a smile. Happiness can have many different expressions so fuck that. I haven't mastered it yet. But when the corners of my mouth curled up and I realized I was smiling, I knew I was feeling joyful and told him.. "Look Ian! Joy!"
He then asked me about my feelings today because he didn't really understand before what I meant by not experiencing them normally until we had a talk with our mom on Sunday. It sounds odd to people who experience emotions instinctively and just know what they are without anyone having to tell them. It's hard explaining that having feelings is extremely exhausting because so much goes into what seems like such a simple process.
I like the questions though.. most of the time. Sometimes I really do need to let my brain rest and have my solitude breaks. But at least now people are making an effort to get it and figure out how I work and giving me a bit more of a chance to explain it as best I can. I've spent 32 years how to figure out how you all work. It's kind of nice to take a little break for once.
I also never realized how fucked up everyone else is and how much they struggle with other things. It's refreshing. For as mean as that sounds, I mean it in the best of ways. Maybe we all need to take off our masks and our normal suits and start asking more questions. The world might actually be better for it.
Transmission #3: Dr. Jekyll and Miss Niki Slik
Originally posted to Facebook on 4/24/2016 at 12:09am:
Until today I never realized how much of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde existence I'm truly living in. For anyone who doesn't already know this, Niki Slik doesn't fucking exist. She's not a real person. She's the Hyde to my Jekyll who manifests when fueled by a combination of alcohol and amphetamines.
She's the social fuck you version of me who really doesn't give a shit. She says the things I'm normally too embarrassed to say. She does the things I wish I didn't do. She bangs through life like a phenomenal bull in a very shitty China shop. She even eats the things I don't want to eat... and all of these things are what Niki Milbourne pays the price for later.
Niki Slik is probably the reason many of you "know" me. She's the reason that this body or vessel communicates to people of its own accord at all. Lemmetellyasomething, if I don't call or have never called you on a random Saturday morning or any other random day because I just needed to, then you probably don't know me because you've never witnessed that moment when Niki Milbourne starts to cease to exist and Niki Slik takes over.
Niki Slik doesn't have priorities. Niki Slik drinks too much. Niki Slik is selfish. Niki Slik goes by the Waka Flocka mantra. Niki Slik really doesn't want to know about your personal life or anything that matters to you. Niki Slik doesn't really give a shit about you.. Well, she does.. But not like you want her to.. apparently based on what I heard tonight anyway. Niki Slik probably needs to die a horrible death. Niki Slik can eat a dick.. Actually, she likes that.. But that's not enough to keep her around.
Niki Slik was created 16 years ago to serve a purpose.. So for exactly half my life now she has been serving said purpose. In my awakening, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's time to let her go. But I'm terrified of killing her off. It's a scary thought. I love her. But I also want to shank the bitch.
The thought of killing her makes me feel like I'm letting a huge piece of myself fall away and the part she breaks off from will just be exposed and vulnerable with no protection. I've lived with her for so long I honestly don't know what to do without her.. But I'm starting to learn that one of us has to win this fight. I just don't know who's going to be the victor.
I guess the question is.. Is who I genuinely am good or acceptable enough or can you not live without her?
Until today I never realized how much of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde existence I'm truly living in. For anyone who doesn't already know this, Niki Slik doesn't fucking exist. She's not a real person. She's the Hyde to my Jekyll who manifests when fueled by a combination of alcohol and amphetamines.
She's the social fuck you version of me who really doesn't give a shit. She says the things I'm normally too embarrassed to say. She does the things I wish I didn't do. She bangs through life like a phenomenal bull in a very shitty China shop. She even eats the things I don't want to eat... and all of these things are what Niki Milbourne pays the price for later.
Niki Slik is probably the reason many of you "know" me. She's the reason that this body or vessel communicates to people of its own accord at all. Lemmetellyasomething, if I don't call or have never called you on a random Saturday morning or any other random day because I just needed to, then you probably don't know me because you've never witnessed that moment when Niki Milbourne starts to cease to exist and Niki Slik takes over.
Niki Slik doesn't have priorities. Niki Slik drinks too much. Niki Slik is selfish. Niki Slik goes by the Waka Flocka mantra. Niki Slik really doesn't want to know about your personal life or anything that matters to you. Niki Slik doesn't really give a shit about you.. Well, she does.. But not like you want her to.. apparently based on what I heard tonight anyway. Niki Slik probably needs to die a horrible death. Niki Slik can eat a dick.. Actually, she likes that.. But that's not enough to keep her around.
Niki Slik was created 16 years ago to serve a purpose.. So for exactly half my life now she has been serving said purpose. In my awakening, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's time to let her go. But I'm terrified of killing her off. It's a scary thought. I love her. But I also want to shank the bitch.
The thought of killing her makes me feel like I'm letting a huge piece of myself fall away and the part she breaks off from will just be exposed and vulnerable with no protection. I've lived with her for so long I honestly don't know what to do without her.. But I'm starting to learn that one of us has to win this fight. I just don't know who's going to be the victor.
I guess the question is.. Is who I genuinely am good or acceptable enough or can you not live without her?
Transmission #2: The Profile and Symptoms of Aspienwomen
Originally posted to Facebook on 4/23/2016 at 12:57pm:
For real, the further I get into my research the more I begin to fully understand myself and feel less alone and misunderstood. At least 90% of this article lists and explains everything about me right down to the creation of my social persona Niki Slik, my lifelong struggles with people in all situations, my psychic abilities, even my 7 types of ADHD.. All of it. Anyone who actually knows me well that reads this will probably be like, "Yeah, that's Niki. Pretty much that entire list totally describes Niki perfectly to a tee." If you know me then please read this and tell me what you think...
Aspienwomen: Moving towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome
I will also post this to the Interesting Blogs page.
For real, the further I get into my research the more I begin to fully understand myself and feel less alone and misunderstood. At least 90% of this article lists and explains everything about me right down to the creation of my social persona Niki Slik, my lifelong struggles with people in all situations, my psychic abilities, even my 7 types of ADHD.. All of it. Anyone who actually knows me well that reads this will probably be like, "Yeah, that's Niki. Pretty much that entire list totally describes Niki perfectly to a tee." If you know me then please read this and tell me what you think...
Aspienwomen: Moving towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome
I will also post this to the Interesting Blogs page.
1st Transmission: The Awakening Has Begun
Originally posted to Facebook on 4/22/2016 at 12:26am:
In the past week, moreso than ever before in my life, I feel like I've tried to articulate to people these exact thoughts in what I'm about to say and in this article I'm sharing...
What Does Aspergers Feel Like?
... What it's like to live inside my head and use my brain and feel what I feel and just how different or far it is from "normal".. and how this recent emphasis on it, increased awareness of it, and justification for it have made me so anxious I'm about to explode. This has been a constant struggle every day of my life.. this fight for understanding and acceptance of my right to exist as a person the way I am.
Hi, my name is Niki. I'm weird, quirky, and different. I'm very intense and highly intelligent and can become a subject matter expert on anything in a few hours. I have a massive aversion to touching foam and hate spaghetti because of their displeasing textures. The mere thought of them makes me start cringing. I'm actually cringing right now.
I turn the radio down whenever I use the drive through ATM.. Not because anyone is there out of politeness like drive-thrus for food.. But because I can't have interruptions while I focus on pressing the important buttons. I'm afraid the machine won't give me my card back if I press the wrong ones. Please don't talk to me while I'm doing this. I need to focus.
I also have never used and refuse to use a regular lawnmower because my dad told me it would cut off my feet and I've believed it ever since. I don't care that other people mow lawns and still have feet. I've tried to rationalize the use of one several times and I just can't do it. Your experience may not be the same as mine. I need my feet.
People think I'm very talkative because they don't recognize that it's artificial and chemically induced. I'm actually naturally quiet and prefer to be left alone at least 65% of the time. A large part of that can probably be attributed to the fact that it's exhausting trying to justify myself to other people so much. I only normally talk a lot when I'm really interested in something, very excited, or extremely upset. In those moments, I really don't care what you want to talk about. I can try. But I can't get there... Not until I've beaten my subject of interest to death with words.. and even then, good luck to you.
I can play games on my phone for hours. I do not want to talk while I'm doing this. I'm trying to become the Bobby Fischer of Dominos right now and set a Guinness World Record. Your attempts to engage me in chit chat purely for the sake of your need to not sit in silence are impeding my progress. Until my goal has been achieved, I'm sorry.. I am unable to people with you.. even after that.. Good luck to you.
I have a spot... Everywhere I go or live or exist regularly, I have a spot. I don't care where you sit. I only care where I sit and it must be in my spot. When I'm in my spot, I can focus on you and whatever you want or need. When you're in my spot, all I can focus on is how much I want you to move. Until I can reclaim my spot, I feel uncomfortable and out of place both physically and mentally. If you also have a spot then I will respect your need to occupy it... Unless it's my spot, then I'm sorry.. You will need to find a new one.
I have a hard time with family, friends, and dating because it's difficult for me to successfully deal with people all the time regardless of how much I care about them. I'm also having problems at work. I had problems at school. I have problems at the grocery store. I have problems correctly descending a flight of stairs. Problems.
I had to get professional help to learn what "happy" and "sad" are, what my version of that is, and that it's OK to be that way in the moment. Normal human emotions are not natural for me to process the usual way it is my understanding that people do without the added layer of conscious recognition. They are a reference point to a facial expression and stimulated response I've learned to recognize in others and associate to whatever closely resembles that in myself.
I feel people who don't have this problem take simple things for granted.. which makes it harder for them to wrap their brains around me. For as much as I wish normal people could spend a day rolling around in my shoes to better understand me, I wish I could just borrow that ability to feel naturally without thinking about it from a normal person for an hour so I could better understand them.
I started the process today for formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome because John Elder Robison on NPR made me realize that I don't really understand what it's like to feel genuine empathy for another human being. Until today it never bothered me quite this much. The entire concept of empathy sounds awful and seems totally useless.. and people always seem to want to hug you when they're empathizing with you. I guess I want to know what it's like to want the hug without making the uncomfortable face I always do that I don't mean to make.
As scared and anxious as I am about this process, I'm doing my best to focus on how much hope I now have for my future that maybe once I go through with this and start getting treated for it then maybe everything won't feel so exhausting and daunting all the time with all this hugging and whatnot. You may never know what it's like to be in my brain.. But it's possible I may finally be able to borrow your shoes.. No matter what though, you still can't sit in my spot.
In the past week, moreso than ever before in my life, I feel like I've tried to articulate to people these exact thoughts in what I'm about to say and in this article I'm sharing...
What Does Aspergers Feel Like?
... What it's like to live inside my head and use my brain and feel what I feel and just how different or far it is from "normal".. and how this recent emphasis on it, increased awareness of it, and justification for it have made me so anxious I'm about to explode. This has been a constant struggle every day of my life.. this fight for understanding and acceptance of my right to exist as a person the way I am.
Hi, my name is Niki. I'm weird, quirky, and different. I'm very intense and highly intelligent and can become a subject matter expert on anything in a few hours. I have a massive aversion to touching foam and hate spaghetti because of their displeasing textures. The mere thought of them makes me start cringing. I'm actually cringing right now.
I turn the radio down whenever I use the drive through ATM.. Not because anyone is there out of politeness like drive-thrus for food.. But because I can't have interruptions while I focus on pressing the important buttons. I'm afraid the machine won't give me my card back if I press the wrong ones. Please don't talk to me while I'm doing this. I need to focus.
I also have never used and refuse to use a regular lawnmower because my dad told me it would cut off my feet and I've believed it ever since. I don't care that other people mow lawns and still have feet. I've tried to rationalize the use of one several times and I just can't do it. Your experience may not be the same as mine. I need my feet.
People think I'm very talkative because they don't recognize that it's artificial and chemically induced. I'm actually naturally quiet and prefer to be left alone at least 65% of the time. A large part of that can probably be attributed to the fact that it's exhausting trying to justify myself to other people so much. I only normally talk a lot when I'm really interested in something, very excited, or extremely upset. In those moments, I really don't care what you want to talk about. I can try. But I can't get there... Not until I've beaten my subject of interest to death with words.. and even then, good luck to you.
I can play games on my phone for hours. I do not want to talk while I'm doing this. I'm trying to become the Bobby Fischer of Dominos right now and set a Guinness World Record. Your attempts to engage me in chit chat purely for the sake of your need to not sit in silence are impeding my progress. Until my goal has been achieved, I'm sorry.. I am unable to people with you.. even after that.. Good luck to you.
I have a spot... Everywhere I go or live or exist regularly, I have a spot. I don't care where you sit. I only care where I sit and it must be in my spot. When I'm in my spot, I can focus on you and whatever you want or need. When you're in my spot, all I can focus on is how much I want you to move. Until I can reclaim my spot, I feel uncomfortable and out of place both physically and mentally. If you also have a spot then I will respect your need to occupy it... Unless it's my spot, then I'm sorry.. You will need to find a new one.
I have a hard time with family, friends, and dating because it's difficult for me to successfully deal with people all the time regardless of how much I care about them. I'm also having problems at work. I had problems at school. I have problems at the grocery store. I have problems correctly descending a flight of stairs. Problems.
I had to get professional help to learn what "happy" and "sad" are, what my version of that is, and that it's OK to be that way in the moment. Normal human emotions are not natural for me to process the usual way it is my understanding that people do without the added layer of conscious recognition. They are a reference point to a facial expression and stimulated response I've learned to recognize in others and associate to whatever closely resembles that in myself.
I feel people who don't have this problem take simple things for granted.. which makes it harder for them to wrap their brains around me. For as much as I wish normal people could spend a day rolling around in my shoes to better understand me, I wish I could just borrow that ability to feel naturally without thinking about it from a normal person for an hour so I could better understand them.
I started the process today for formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome because John Elder Robison on NPR made me realize that I don't really understand what it's like to feel genuine empathy for another human being. Until today it never bothered me quite this much. The entire concept of empathy sounds awful and seems totally useless.. and people always seem to want to hug you when they're empathizing with you. I guess I want to know what it's like to want the hug without making the uncomfortable face I always do that I don't mean to make.
As scared and anxious as I am about this process, I'm doing my best to focus on how much hope I now have for my future that maybe once I go through with this and start getting treated for it then maybe everything won't feel so exhausting and daunting all the time with all this hugging and whatnot. You may never know what it's like to be in my brain.. But it's possible I may finally be able to borrow your shoes.. No matter what though, you still can't sit in my spot.
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